Monday, August 31, 2009


I was entirely devastated this morning when I woke up and three of my soy bean crops had wilted. Not a good way to start off my day, nevertheless I re-plowed and replanted and all is good.

Guess your thinking I live on farm. Well I actually did, but it wasn't by choice and I can assure you I went kicking and screaming. Why did I move there? Simply put, my husband owned and resided on a farm prior to our marriage. You know women just want to play house and men they just want a damn farm. Never understood it, never tried and don't intend to. The first problem for me was the location. Civilization as I see it, equates to a full-fledged grocery store, a Target and and at least one nearby Taco Bell. None of which this particular acreage included. What it did include was a horse, several cows, two pigs and a goose. Roosters chickens, cats and whatever lost soul that ended up on our front porch. I came in tow with two kids and one little bundle of fur. A shaded silver doll faced Persian who had never seen the light of day much less Old McDonald's Farm.

Once my "make believe cowboy" put his boot down I knew that I had two choices. A farm or a farm. So with that being said, I put my farm face on and took to the country. Yea, It was a pretty tough bull ride and I didn't stay on long but I think my cowboy sowed his oats as we are back to the city life.

"Madisonville is where I'd rather be". Okay well maybe its not New York but it's my New york.

Funny how things work. Seems once again that the jokes on me.
You see I did something this week-end that I swore I would never do, I succumbed to Facebook's Farmville. But worse than that is the fact that I told my husband. You know the wanna be farmer whose dreams I single handedly destroyed. "What the hell is Farmville?" he says. I knew I was in for the fight of my life. The icing on the cake is when I seriously requested that he expedite our Sunday dinner out as I had some eggplant crops due for harvest. SERIOUSLY! The one dream this man has had all is his life is his desire for a big green John Deere tractor. I honestly believe in a few weeks and a few more coins his very wish will come true but only in the form of a computer icon. Yep, you can buy a big shiny tractor for about 30,000 coins.

Seems the minute you sign up on Facebook you become bombarded with all these request to join various games that are apparently affiliated with the Facebook applications.

It started with Mafia Wars but need I tell you I just didn't qualify with my ADD status. Just looking at the homepage put me into a tailspin. I will admit the name Farmville threw me. Sounded a bit juvenile but then so does being on Facebook at the ripe old age of 48, blogging and for Pete's sake, TWEETING. Somebody, please take me out of my misery!!!!!!
After a million request to accept various farm apparatus such as a chicken, a pig or even a bale of hay, I decided my best course of action would be to hit the Farmbook Hide button. SO I DID. Even after politely opting out I continued to see posting in reference to plowing and harvesting crops. Now what really caught my eye was when I started seeing Farmville's clientele. An attorney, a police officer, and an old friend I attended private school with who makes her home in New York. I really would have thought she was "Doing Lunch and hanging out in high dollar boutiques. NO MA'AM, she's farming. Night and Day! I think she's the one who gifted me a chicken and for that I will forever be thankful. So you see you should never judge a Farm by his Farmer and in my case you should never judge a Farmer by his Farm. Seems I didn't take farming to serious at first, as my land looks like a complete and udder (pardon the Pun) train wreck and that's comparatively speaking. Might explain why I only have neighbors on the east and the west. Things get around quick in Farmville!! I think I'm what you call the "FarmvilleTrailor Trash".

Now if your not a Facebooker you will most likely have no idea what I am talking about but if you are you might want to give Farmville a try. It really is great fun, it's free and like my mother say's it's healthy.

Stay tuned for some fun Real Farm stories. I may not have liked it in Green Acres but I took with me some hilarious memories.

Happy Farming

Friday, August 28, 2009



WHEN WE WERE GROWING UP............ you were often punished for using not-so-desirable language. I didn't do it on purpose, I was just obeying what I had been taught and that was to respect our elders. To me that meant emulating my role models which often included a cursing adult. Apparently my playmate across the street knew that profane language was forbibben because one night he threatened to squeal on his father for blurting out a string of profanities. I can't remember exactly what Mr. Bob said, but apparently it warranted a scolding from his 6 year son old enroute to the ice cream parlor. TUSSIN, TUSSIN TUSSIN, I'm gonna tell my mama. My father was buckled over in the front seat trying not to laugh out loud and to this day he still gets tickled when he rehashes the story.. Seems it was a pretty good manuever on my buddies part as he ended up getting two scoops and I only got one. Think that's called Bribery.
I always seemed do be in a constant state of confusions as to what exactly undesirble language really meant. One parent would say "don't you curse young man" or "that kind of language will not be tolerated under this roof " and my favorite, the ever so scary " Swearing is a sin". The ironic part was that most of the parents would add the very language I am refering to as part of their command like "you better not use that damn foul language in my house, little Missy.
I mean if that's not double standards, I don't know what is. Seriously? Wow, how things have changed.!!!!!! It seems that the non-cursers in the world have become the minority.
Here's a little interesting information

SWEARING-to utter an oath, or to promise
CURSE - is any manner of adversity thought to be inflicted by any supernatural power, such as a spell, a prayer, magic, witchcraft, a god, a natural force, or a spirit.
CUSSING or CURSING-utter obscenities or profanities
PROFANITY-has therefore come to describe a word, expression, gesture, or other social behavior which is socially constructed or interpreted as insulting, rude, vulgar, desecrating, or showing disrespect.

Steven Pinker's book, The Stuff of Thought, breaks profanity down into five categories

Dysphemistic Profanity – Forces listener to think about negative or provocative matter. Examples would be, well, I can't even bring myself to write them much less say them.
If you use this filth your just on all levels very disturbed.

Abusive Profanity – for abuse or intimidation or insulting of others
(Example: son of a b#$% or #$%& you.

I'm guessing the, ever so popular hand gestures, would be included in this category.

Idiomatic Profanity – swearing without really referring to the matter. using words to arouse interest, to show off, and express to peers that the setting is informal. Popular with the teen-agers and low-self esteemers.

Emphatic Swearing – to emphasize something with swearing. (Example: Did you see how big that blanking fish was?

Cathartic Profanity – A profanity used when undergoing a negative emotion (Example: Damn it, perhaps when you spill your coffee or the often used abbreviation WTF).

The more I started thinking about this topic the more I wanted to know. So being the Investigator that I am, I started Googling the words profanity, cursing, or anything that pertained to it. The sky was the limit:

Can you be arrested for profanity? You betcha. I won't dare start reciting the Laws but yes you can indeed be arrested and convicted for having a Potty Mouth. Check your local and State laws.

Did you know that sixty-four percent of Americans say the the
Think about it! Take a moment of silence and try to count 10 people off the top of your head that do not in any way, shape or form use profanities. Just try it. You will be surprised! I'm pretty sure I didn't make your list, nor did my husband, kids or anyone remotely related to me.

DAMN IT!!!!!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Lagniappe Friday

Things You Need to Know:

Labor Day- September 7th, 2009

Fall Time Change- November 11, 2009
Christmas 2009-Falls on a Friday
Next Full Moon-September 4th 2009

Quote of the Week:

"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."       Ron White

Picture of the week:

Headlines of Year 2043

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.
Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.
Authentic year 2000 "Chad" sells at Sotheby's for $1.6 million.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2044.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2046.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.
New Movies Opening: August 28, 2009

Runtime: 1 hr. 41 min.
Rated: R
Cast: Scout Taylor-Compton, Malcolm McDowell, Tyler Mane
Genre: Horror

Final Destination
Runtime: 1 hr. 22 min
Rated: R
Cast: Bobby Campo, Shantel Van Santen, Nick Zano
Genre: Horror

Interesting Web Sites to Surf this weekend           Photo Storage        Shoes-free shipping    Cooking

Recipe for the Week:

Deep Fried Snickers
1 hour
1 hour prep
Melt in your mouth delicious. Can also use Twinkies instead of Snickers and use same directions.



Snickers candy bars

funnel cake mix

frying oil


Push popcicle sticks into Snickers bar from the bottom about half way up.

Freeze Snickers until frozen solid.

For the funnel cake batter, you can either buy the mix at the store or make your own batter
Dip frozen Snickers into the batter.

Fry in hot oil until golden brown (just a few minutes)

Remove from oil and drain.

Top with powdered sugar

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

LSU mike the tiger

Another Pissy Mood!


Mikey and Me........
If Fred and I weren't feeling our age already, and we are, this week marks the 21st birthday of our two now grown up boys. I guess I should say men, but placing boys and men in the same sentence is a bit far fetched regardless if they are 21 or 72. Settle down male specimens I'm just kidding. SERIOUSLY? After a nice celebration of Pizza and Cake at Past Times. Ok, chili cheese fries, cheese sticks, 2 humongous pizza pies, salad and a Roast beef Po-boy. I kid you not if I hadn't stopped them, they would still be ordering. Four to go boxes later, I decided we needed to make a visit to see Mikey the Tiger. The kids of course had no interest in in my venture as it was all about a full belly and a quick exit to the next keg party. Come to think about, Fred wasn't performing any of those amazing cartwheels he previously spoke about in Blog Number 2 either.
For those of you who frequent Mikey's headquarters you know that he is at his finest right after the sun sets. Well not tonight.!!!!! He was pissed off and wanted all of East Baton Rouge to know about it. As I rounded the corner frantically trying to locate the little kitty I encountered several LSU students laughing hysterically. One of the guys was standing there in total disbelief with his arm up in the air. Seems Mikey didn't have any use for this particular visitor either so he just opted for a quick leg lift and a marking of his territory. According to Mikey his territory far exceeds the boundaries stated in his bylaws and he aimed to prove it . Now of course not being up on a tiger's protocol I just stood there in complete awe. I am totally re known for not thinking before I talk and today would absolutely prove to be no different. "Oh my gosh, did he lick you?" Those were my exact words? After a moment of silence and a short pause the fellow looks at me and says no ma'am he didn't lick me and then he precedes to bust out laughing. Bless his heart he was so.... trying to be respectful to his elders, unlike my husband and supposed soul mate who was standing there looking at me as if I were certifiably the dumbest individual he has ever known let alone married. You see Mikey 's tongue would, at the very least,vhad to have been the length of a at least one yard stick and I'm gonna guess probably two. Did I honestly believe that if a caged tiger had that close proximity to a human's arm he would opt out for a lick versus a complete amputation. Feeling like a complete and utter dumb ass, I glare at my husband, tuck my tail and head for the complete opposite side of the enclosure. Now my intentions were not only to visit Mikey but to obtain what I hoped would be some really good photographs to share on my blog. Fifteen photos later, due to his non-stop pacing, I managed to get only two lousy photos that included the tigers head. After a moment of silence, I flipped the camera off, looked at Fred and said "I'm done."
As I'm about to call it a night he slowly heads my direction, pauses, looks straight into my eyes and GROWLS. Speechless, I look at Fred and he chuckles and says, "I see you bring out the best in him as well"
Come to find out a growl from a tiger is nothing more then a friendly gesture. Go figure.


Saturday, September 5th LSU will play Washington in Seattle at Husky Stadium at 9:30 p.m.
Saturday, September 12th LSU will play Vanderbilt in Baton Rouge at Tiger Stadium at 7 p.m.
Saturday, September 19th LSU will play UL-Lafayette in Baton Rouge at Tiger Stadium at 7 p.m.
Saturday, September 26th LSU will play Mississippi State in Starkville at Davis Wade Stadium
Saturday, October 3rd LSU will play Georgia in Athens at Sanford Stadium
Saturday, October 10th LSU will play Florida in Baton Rouge at Tiger Stadium at 7 p.m.
Saturday, October 24th LSU will play Auburn in Baton Rouge at Tiger Stadium at 7 p.m.
Saturday, October 31st LSU will play Tulane in Baton Rouge at Tiger Stadium at 7 p.m.
Saturday, November 7th LSU will play Alabama in Tuscaloosa at Bryant-Denny Stadium
Saturday, November 14th LSU will play Louisiana Tech in Baton Rouge at Tiger Stadium
Saturday, November 21st LSU will play Ole Miss in Oxford at Vaught-Hemingway Stadium
Saturday, November 28th LSU will play Arkansas in Baton Rouge at Tiger Stadium at 7 p.m.
The SEC Championship is scheduled for December 5th in Atlanta Georgia at 4 p.m., teams to be determined.

GO TIGERS!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, August 24, 2009


"I like mine with lettuce and tomato Heinz 57 and french fried potatoes Big kosher pickle and a cold draft beer Well good God Almighty which way do I steer." Jimmy Buffet

Low temperatures, dry air and a cloudless day. The perfect recipe for a full day of fun on the Tchefuncte River. Well now let it be known, that our group's idea of fun ins'n't filled with fast-moving motorized water vessels nor is it a day that entails any sorts of water activities other then a raft and/or a noodle.


In fact the most strenuous activity that will take place that day will be the loading of an ice chest and in most cases the loading of two. The wives often prepare or purchase food items to have on board which normally sends the spouses over the edge as they fear their beverage space may in someway or another be compromised. Yea you know who you are! The day typically starts with a short wait at the Madisonville Draw bridge where many boats sit anxiously awaiting the mad dash up river to mark their territory. After a very loud and completely obnoxious fog horn alert, a dozen or more vessels, all at one time, carefully maneuver there crafts through a small waterway and bam the race is on.


The boats range anywhere from pirogues to large yachts and believe me, our crew's fleet does not qualify for yacht status. But boy do we all do some dreaming as the ever so elegant vessels pass our homemade barges, dinghy's, and did I mention an old duck camp that grew pontoons and somehow made its way to our muddy alligator infested body of water.



The Heroes

Now if that had been a wife,
we would still be out there treading water.


BOATS TO ARRIVE...........

More Houses

Mark your calenders

October 1oth and 11th

Friday, August 21, 2009

Lagniappe Friday

Quote of the Week:
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

Picture of the week:

2009 Worldwide Tropical Cyclone Names


Bill-In Route


Danny-Next One Up

Erika, Fred, Grace, Henri, Ida, Joaquin, Kate, Larry, Mindy, Nicholas, Odette, Peter, Rose, Sam, Teresa, Victor, Wanda

Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow

Future Update is designed to give you a humorous glimpse of what the news might look like 20 years from now.

Death Vaccine Submitted to FDA for Approval
by Skip DeKades
October 6, 2028 — Eli Lilly & Co. is seeking Food and Drug Administration approval of a new death vaccine that could offer hope to millions of people who fear dying sometime in their lifetime.
The vaccine, called Survivasil, has been found in clinical trials to halt the cellular damage associated with aging and to prevent any form of disease.
To test the vaccine against cancer, AIDS, heart disease, Alzheimer’s disease and a host of other deadly and/or degenerative illnesses, Eli Lilly administered the treatment to more than 15,000 people and followed their genes over a 10-year period. None of the vaccinated patients developed any genetic mutations that signaled the likelihood or onset of any serious illness. Nor did their cells break down.
Eli Lilly is continuing to monitor the vaccine’s safety by studying 45,000 people in a managed care organization, the FDA says.
The most common side effects from Survivasil include headache, nausea, confusion, identity crisis, gluttony, and prolonged adolescence.
Medical ethicist Donna Pleygod, MD, warned that the vaccine could give people a false sense of security and lead them into reckless behaviors such as aggressive driving and extreme sports.
“This vaccine doesn’t prevent death by accident,” Pleygod said. “It’s not a cure for stupidity.”
Vaccinate yourself against the blues at

New Movies

Coming Out Friday, August 21
Shorts- Jon Cryer / William H. Macy
Casi Divas- Patricia Llaca / Julio Bracho
Post Grad-Alexis Bledel / Zach Gilford
Inglourious Basterds- Brad Pitt / Eli Roth

Interesting Web Sites to Surf this weekend

Recipe for the Week:

Insanely Amazing Jalapeno Cheese Dip

Take this delicious, 5-minute prep, jalapeno cheese dip to BBQs, cookouts, parties, or any other occasion. This dish will make you the most popular person there! Serve with bread, crackers, or chips."


1 (4 ounce) can diced jalapeno peppers
1 cup shredded Parmesan cheese
1/2 cup shredded Cheddar cheese
1 cup mayonnaise
1 (4 ounce) can chopped green chilies
1 round loaf sourdough bread

Preheat an oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
Combine jalapeno peppers, Parmesan cheese, Cheddar cheese, mayonnaise, and green chilies in a bowl. Cut the top off of the sourdough bread and hollow out the center to create a bowl. Fill the bread bowl with the jalapeno mixture.
Bake in the preheated oven for 30 minutes.

Thursday, August 20, 2009


Certainly I understand that there are different levels of Senior Living so please, don’t get confused with my reference to a Retirement Center versus a Nursing home. I am strictly referring to a lifestyle that is provided for those upper aged citizens who are unable or just frankly speaking, tired of life’s everyday rituals. I mean I just have got tell you there are some days when I wish I could pack an overnight bag and drive straight to assisted living. Now this isn’t a onetime declaration. I have said it repeatedly and it’s usually after something has occurred to alter my good mood to a bad mood.
It usually goes like this; “I’m sick of this world, I am so ready to go to a nursing home, play Bingo and eat three square meals a day”.

The first few times I said it, my husband just belly laughed and said That’s funny! The third time I politely sat him down and explained that I was dead ass serious and here is why.

Well, first of all I know for a fact that there is a waiting list to get in so that right there tells me that something good is going on through those doors. The land itself portrays a setting comparable to Central Park let alone the facilities, which from afar looks like a downsized Windsor Court. Now, I know there expensive, trust me, I have seen the figures and that is why I have one of those piggy banks inscribed with, Retirement Funds. You’ve seen them. They also have a Boob Job Fund, a Botox Fund, a College Fund. Yep, (Once again there is no Piggy Bank pertaining to the male species).

Upon registration you are declared, an elder, which in layman's terms means that you can, in what ever capacity you choose, relinquish any and all responsibilities you desire including but not limited to:
Emotional distress caused by loves ones, grown children, bill collectors, etc.
At this point there ain’t a damn thing you can do about it so what’s the point. That alone sold me hook, line and sinker.

All of your monthly bills that once clogged up your mailbox are consolidated and become one all-inclusive payment. Kinda like one of those resorts in the Mexican Riviera minus the pretty little bracelet. I’m not sure if that includes alcohol or not but I know they have a swim-up bar (clothing optional).

Three square meals a day as well as snacks and state of the art vending machines, which include Fiber One, Raisins and an assortment of natural fruit juices.

Motor Coach Service:
Walmart-Daily Round trips, complimentary assistant with loading and unloading and get this, your choice of a motorized scooter with complete free-reign of the store. You can even block aisle, run over heels and ram assess. No fines imposed.

Fully furnished library (big print books)/computer room with full time in-house Geek Squad employees and complimentary Wireless.

Around the clock entertainment including Bingo, State of the Art Flat Screens with HD, Water Aerobics. Dancing with the Oldies,, as well as weekly events such as “Senior’s American Idol”,Wheel chairing with the Stars”, “Are you Smarter then a 50 Year Old” and my favorite, “Yahtzee”


Now with that being said, please take my poll located on the upper right corner of my blog site?

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


A Renewed Faith in Humans:

Let me start by saying the odds of you running into me wearing make-up or jewelry is pretty much nil to none. I got over that mundane ritual many, many years ago. Exceptions to this rule would maybe be a social gathering, a fancy dinner out or something of the likes. Now, I can’t tell you when, where or what the event was but it clearly warranted a round of dress up including make up and a few pieces of my rarest jewel collection. Steinmart’s Finest. At some point in the evening, I had no choice but to remove my wrist watch as my left hand was turning blue and I pretty much lost all feeling in my fingers. Seems that not only have I gained weight in my ass I have also managed to insulate and increase the circumference of my wrist.
Now on any level that’s just bad. Remember when you were young and someone would wrap their thumb and forefinger around you wrist and declare you either small, medium or large boned. I took a lot of pride in my small bone classification even though I knew in my heart that it was some straight up Bull #%&.
I also have small hips and thighs when there isn’t a three inch layer of insulation involved and I’m not talking about long underwear.
Well as the story goes at some point, probably about beer four, I removed and placed my watch in the pocket of my purse and made a mental note to take it out when I returned home. Well I didn’t. Now, as recent as yesterday when I was running from the toothless mother at Target I saw the watch sitting in my purse upon removing my wallet. Again I made another mental note to remove it as soon as I returned home.. Again it just didn’t happen. Are you starting to see a pattern here!

This morning after my morning run I headed for a nearby shoe store to purchase some long over due tennis shoes. My first stop was the Rack Room (Men don’t start getting all excited it’s just a shoe store), where I preceded to sprawl my sweaty self out on the floor, which just so happened to be next to the cashier’s desk. As I’m lacing up the first pair of sneakers a lady walks through the front and claims that she had found “THIS” in the parking lot and then handed the item over the counter to the cashier. Being the nosy Nora that I am I glanced up to see if I could get a quick glance of what THIS” actually was. All I saw was what appeared to be a little blob of silver, which the clerk carefully placed in the cash drawer directly behind the counter. Knowing fully well that I donned no jewelry prior to leaving home, I carried on with my quest thinking only of how nice it was for someone to attempt to find the owner of the item versus hauling ass home with it. Whatever “IT” was? Having no luck with the tennis shoe selection I departed to make my way to another store, which was clear on the other side of town.

After a successful purchase, I headed to my vehicle for the short trip home. Upon retrieving my keys in the parking lot it occurred to me that I had once again failed to remove the watch from my purse. So I decided to just go ahead as a reminder and slip it on my wrist knowing fully well the first thing I would do when I returned home was take it off. IT WASN'T THERE! The side pocket was empty so I frantically started digging to no avail in the bottom of my purse. Nothing! Now this isn’t the most expensive watch on the planet but it didn’t come out of gumball machine either. The painful part was that my husband picked it out, all by his lonesome, as a Christmas present in 2005. SO to say the least it holds quite the sentimental value. I frantically began to tear my car apart and even went as far as to dump the contents of my purse on the front seat. NOTHING! That damn front seat is going to be the death of me. Now I am in tears and my only hope is that it had fallen out onto my desk at home. All of a sudden, like a lightning bolt I get a vision of that handover that just took place at the previous store. No way! But what could I possible have to loose at this point other than a Tag watch. Right? I pick up my cell phone, place a quick call to directory assistance, they promptly connect me to the store and guess what? “THIS” was indeed my watch!

The moral of this story:

There is no pillow so soft as a clear conscience. ~French Proverb

Girl number one could have just as easily driven off with my watch and girl number two could have placed it in her front pocket and carried on with her day. But they didn’t and for that I am thankful.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

An Attention Deficit Kinda Day.....

Woke up this morning and I knew as sure as shootin that my ADD was in full force. How did I know? When I finally after several attempts realized that it's virtually impossible to turn a t.v off with a cordless phone. I should have just rolled on over and gone back to bed cause the day sure didn’t get any better.. Remember the credit card bill I discussed last week? You know, the one that I received last Thursday that was due the Friday prior to. If you remember correctly I spent a considerable amount of my morning trying to convince a robot that I wasn’t going to pay a $35.00 late fee for a $29.00 charge on my credit card especially since I didn’t make the error. The crime just didn’t fit the punishment, Or is it the other way around? Well I mailed the payment that very day only to have it returned to me yesterday for no postage. Now, here is the funny part. Upon leaving this morning I grabbed the envelope, placed a stamp on it and headed for my car. My thoughts were to drive through the post office, drop it into the outgoing mail receptacle and continue on my journey. Sounded like a pretty good plan to me! As I normally do, I turned off my street and accelerated to the posted speed limit, which is 35 miles per hour. Before I knew it the envelope was blowing out of my topless car. Without thinking, I guess I just placed it unsecured on the passengers side seat and whoop there it went. Yep, I know you need a visual and that would be me frolicking around a tarred two laned country road trying to nab a damn $29.00 dollar credit card bill that I swore was already in the mail. I knew better because a few months ago in a similar scenario, a $10.00 bill got sucked out of my purse. The damn thing started swirling around mid air on the passenger's side, like a twirly bird you see a top a roof. It reminded me of one those ridiculous glass booths you see on The Ellen Show where you step in. they flip the switch on a high speed air current and you attempt to secure as many dollars bills as you possible can under category 4 hurricane conditions. I couldn't decide which looked more stupid, me fighting phantoms in the front seat of a car or the hysterical laughing that followed as cars passed. I'll probably get DENIED one day trying to secure a line of credit all over a purchase of two pair of parachute shorts. Oh yea It gets Better!
After completion of my lakefront run, I decided I would swing through Target and pick up a few needed items. As I rounded my first stop which was the hair dye section, I see ahead what I think could possible be my mother. Understand the last conversation I had with her at or around 8:00 o'clock this morning was that she was not leaving the house until after her Wednesday dental visit. Why you ask? SHE HAS NO FRONT TOOTH ! My mother has been known to hold up inside the house for weeks. She enjoys being at home and will at all cost try to avoid the wicked heat of the summer months. Not today. Low and behold I slowly inch my buggy her direction in hopes that my eyes are failing me.
N-O-T!!!!!!!!!!!! There right in front of me stands the toothless wonder. After she shoots me a quick grin and then starts laughing hysterically I cop a look that ensures the surrounding customers that I DON"T KNOW THIS LADY nor do I know where she escaped from. You think I’m kidding? Not, in this lifetime, have I ever walked out of Target with less than a $100.00 receipt.. I spent a grand total of $13.32 cents and left without the very thing I went in there for which was HAIR DYE. To top it all off I didn’t get in the door good and she calls my laughing,
"Why did you run away from your mother?" "I looked all over Target for you!" Hmm let's see........maybe because you were prematurely dressed for Halloween or... could it have been your choice of transportation, which I’m guessing was a broom. As she hung the phone up I could still hear her belly laughing and gloating to my father at how bad she embarrassed me at Target. You gotta love you some Dorothy!!!!

****Remind me tomorrow to tell you about a trip she took with me to Office Depot.

Monday, August 17, 2009

I HATE MONDAYS.............

I have one two many times made the mistake of saying at the close of a weekend that I just hate Mondays. It just pops out of my mouth and I know when it’s coming out that I have completely screwed up. I don’t know if it’s a theatrical move on my husbands part or if he really thinks I have lost my marbles but boy does he come unwound. Why the hell do you hate Mondays? I myself have no idea why I say it other than to hear myself talk or to try and convince myself that I work as hard as he does. 99% of the time I get the same old song and dance, "I’ll be so glad when I make enough money so that you don’t have to work ONE DAY A MONTH." Which is pretty funny only because he has, one time to many, told me he didn’t want me to work and that's usually after a half a dozen pops. Apparently my pops hadn’t kicked in cause I heard it loud and clear and I damn sure didn’t forget it
I have never, once claimed to have an ambitious bone in my body and probably won’t anytime in the near future. Well sorta. You see I do hold a license as a Private Investigator in the State of Louisiana and as a matter of fact once I get involved in a case I truly enjoy it. You see I don’t make gobs of money nor do I crack big cases like you see on CSI, but in my little pea brain I think I’m Kojak with hair. No, I don’t pack a pistol nor do I hang upside down from trees with a video camera but I do manage to solve a few mysteries sitting in a courthouse picking files apart. A case for me usually entails a little road trip and depending on the complexity of the case can sometime warrant overnight stays. Now don’t believe anything you see on those stupid shows. IT AIN'T LIKE THAT!!! I don’t stay at the Ritz Carlton, I don’t eat at a 5 star steakhouse and I sure don’t have some huge expense account. Now my brother’s favorite saying is “What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine. So with keeping with the theme I came up with a really great plan. I fill out my time and expense sheet, turn it in and anxiously await a reimbursement. Then I start moaning and groaning about being cash poor. He feels sorry for me, pays the bill and magically I get a pay check and an expense check . Now ain’t that so smart! Now he tells me he can’t afford for me to go to work. Mission Accomplished!

Kojak ......"Who Loves ya, baby?"

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Okay, today is a real busy day for me here in Madisonville. Micro-managing a child in Baton Rouge who may have the flu and monitoring 3 Tropical storms (two that have been lurking at sea all week and one that literally popped out of nowhere.) Please just work with me here, I'm just trying to feel important. Husband has finally come to terms with my new found stardom and has taken it upon himself to do some grocery shopping this afternoon. Man I am really liking my new job. I did manage to put a ham in the oven. The packaging said fully cooked, but my mother, who incidentally micro-manages me insisted that I cook it. So I did! Apparently my parents are just as bored and un-entertained as their daughter. I mean why would anyone go to the trouble of cooking a damn ham that's already been cooked. But she said cook it, So I did. Mother Knows Best. Seriously!

Seems one of my mother's front crowns fell out yesterday and my dad thought he would play the tooth fairy and slip a $1.00 bill under her pillow after she went to bed. Either he was really bored or his scotch kicked in. Instead of her waking up this morning thinking it was funny she got pissed off because it was only a dollar. Now please, let it be known that these people are pushing 80.

I had originally planned to take her to Baton Rouge with me yesterday for the sorority hoop ha but figured it was just to hot and she would have been miserable. Thank the lord that didn't come to fruition, can you just see the mortified look on Shelby's face upon introducing her toothless grandmother to the head honcho of Chi O. She had already voiced her humiliation as to her mother's visible gray roots. Well I didn't know, I try not to look to hard in the mirror so I miss a few imperfections in the process. I'm not kidding I despise bright lights and mirrors. You know what you don't know won't hurt you. You will never see me in a dressing room at a store. That's why my purse,at all times has no less than 50 or 60 receipts. I buy something, take it home and try it, then take it right back and do it again. If I order something on line,the shipping cost is usually triple what the item cost once I get through shipping in and shipping it back out. Hence the black 12 pair of black gym shorts that I wear everyday. Just way to complicated!!!!!!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

I'm sure a lot of you will remember a posting that I made on Facebook a few weeks ago regarding a 5 alarm fire that my husband started in hopes of ridding our yard of some rather large branches that fell out of our trees. This is how the story goes......

Large tree branches fall down, husband starts a huge fire to burn tree branches, husband drags a water hose in case fire gets out of hand, sun is shining, fire gets bigger, hard rain comes out of no where, fire goes out, husband looks completely defeated. wife has to go in house because she is laughing so hard. Wife questions husband as to what other tricks he can do. Husband resorts to alcohol. August 1 at 1:47pm

That very same pile has been sitting there ever since. That would be, if my math is correct 15 days ago. I'm guessing he had recovered his pride and decided to attempt his previously failed act of arson. You know he is known around here for his fires in fact just a couple of months ago he started a fire down on one of our vacant lots only the to have the Madisonville Fire department show up as a result of a complaint. Seems we were in a full fledged drought and I even knew this as we have to pass the fire station everyday where they post a huge sign letting you know if it is okay to burn. I don't know correct me if I'm off base here but I really don't need a billboard on the side of the road indicating weather the the conditions are desirable to start a fire in a dense infested forest of Oak Trees. SERIOUSLY?
But that's just me. I kid you not the winds that day were border lining tropical storm strength. Understand this lot is at the other end of our cul-de-sac and the wind was blowing away from my house so I was completely out of the loop as to what exactly he was doing down there. (For those of you who don't know this, our boat's name is Barking Orders and I can assure you I did not name it nor did I approve of it) But it seems from everyone reactions on the river that the name could not be more appropriate and I'm pretty sure it wasn't named in honor of Fred. What I'm trying to say is if I had known this event was taking place down the road there would not have been a fire because I would have Flat lined (remember yesterday's definition) and called in the Little red fire truck myself. Nevertheless sirens and all, they round the corner at about a hundred. One man, weighing all of about 140 pounds steps out of the fire rig, uncoils a huge hose the size of a large boa constrictor and precedes to douse it out in one little puff all by himself. Come to find out, the fines could have been about the same as our daughter's college tuition for the year but hey who's counting. Now for some reason I think this must have subconsciously shook Fred up because he has yet to successfully complete a trash burning including the reset fire he started today. He knew the forecast was for rain as prior to my leaving we discussed a boat ride both agreeing it was probably going to rain.

Well apparently he decided upon my departure to Baton Rouge this morning he would revisit his failed August 1st agenda. I'm guessing he must have set at the window and waited for me to turn the corner so he could once again make another attempt of simple arson. Here is the chain of events. Wife pulls out of driveway, husband starts fire, fire is approaching 5 alarm status, wife returns prematurely, sky drops out as wife pulling in driveway, fire goes out, wife pees in pants, wife disembarks car. Husband, says 'Don't say one damn word". Wife says nothing as per husband's request. Wife has to go change clothes.

YEP You guessed it, It's just another day of spinning his wheels.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Ok well DAY THREE'S BLOG was supposed to be another topic however when I picked my head off the pillow this morning I had this sneaky suspicion that things were not going to go just the way that I had planned. Ritual is to turn the t.v on, turn the computer on, head to the kitchen for my DIET COKE ( and it has to be cold in a can) and the newspaper. This is how it started:

No diet cokes in a can! Why-because I don’t understand why one week 12 packs are $2.25 and the next week they are 2-12 packs for 9:00. What the hell can happen in seven days that causes diet coke to double. It happens all the time and the results are always the same. I walk away and refuse to load it in my buggy as if the Coca Cola Corporation is gonna really give a rat’s ass. Now understand each and everyday I have to have a cold 20oz Diet Dr. Pepper. Does not matter what time, does not matter where it came from, JUST GOTTA HAVE IT. (drives my mother crazy). Figure this one out I recently went to a particular supermarket all because they had 2 litters on sale for .79 cents-10 limit. Never mind it was 17 miles away and in a part of town where traffic is horrific. There was a bargain to behold. I bought ten bottles loaded them in my car and then contemplated making another pass through the store. Did I mention it was 102 degrees outside. Now that’s just plum stupid! Damn if I didn't leave the grocery and head to the closest convenience store I could find to purchase a 20 oz Diet Dr. Pepper for $1.48. AND THOUGHT NOTHING OF IT.

Second on the agenda
My daughter told me that her rent had to be paid online. I really don’t like paying things on line but hey it’s the way of the world so I did. I plugged in all the info they requested and pushed the Make payment. Voila! Two seconds later I get a conformation that says this transaction has been completed successfully. This was one week ago today. Today in addition to the diet coke problem I open a email titled Funds Reversed. It proceeds to tell me that the account # provided was incorrect. So why the heck did it tell me it was successful. I immediately call the third party rent collector (in San Fransisco-yep you heard me-this is for an apartment in Baton Rouge, Louisiana). He tells me that I have provided the wrong numbers and then begins to recite the numbers that I supposedly plugged in. I kid you not I have never heard of any of those numbers even it you shuffled them around to try to fit. After 45 minutes and still no caffeine I excused myself from the conversation and politely hung up. Well sorta, did I mention I hadn’t swallowed the anti-depressant yet. Dr. Phil says you have to be assertive. So that’s the very approach I took with my next two phone calls. My name is Melissa Aldridge, my daughter is a tenant in your apartment complex. This I my dilemma, blah, blah blah. I will be, from this day forward paying her rent the old fashion way and that is with a check via the United State Postal Service. I will not be paying any sort of late fee and you can rest assured that the checks in the mail. Do you know what she said. Yes ma'am Mrs Aldridge that will be fine. Here is our mailing address. I got my panties in a wad all for nothing.

I won’t bore you with the next mishap other than telling you it concerned a bill that I received in the mail on Tuesday that was due on last Friday. Sure! This phone call clocked in on just under 30 minutes with about 20 minutes listening to a robot. Got real clever and pushed the magic button that takes you to “Do you want to make a payment.” Boy do they answer that extension quickly. I again explain my situation assertively waiting to pull out the boxing gloves. No problem Mrs Aldridge, you are a good customer and you will not see a late payment on your next statement. Foreign accent of course.
My husband was waiting for me to Flat line. Flat lining is his definition of one of my ever so often fits of rage where my neck veins protrude, my skin turns red and my heart beat is visible from afar. I think he was terribly disappointed when it didn’t happen as it is cheap entertainment for both he and the kids.

In case you don’t know I LOVE COMPUTERS. I have had a couple dozen since computers made their first debut. My first computer was about the size of an air condition unit you would find on the side of your house. SERIOUSLY!. You know it was not uncommon for people to do a complete remodel on their house just to house a computer. Think that’s when the 4 bedroom house craze cranked up. Then of course you had to have a big desk, office chair, lamp and of course, a printer. Lets not forget the ever so annoying dial-up. I kid you not I can still hear that noise and I can remember doing a load of laundry while waiting for it to finally connect. I can remember walking down the steps in the dark to get a glass of water and seeing all the little lights on the control panels. It looked like a cock pit!.. I thought I had my very on airplane. Need I remind you of what you had to pay for that monstrosity. You could either send your kid to college, buy a new vehicle or invest in a computer. Now we have gone clear across the spectrum to a “lap top” that you can carry around with one hand, has no plug and is smaller than my ass.
Go figure!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Day 2 of New Blog Site.....and can proudly say that I did not get the first negative comment not even from the Hooter Girls. (they must know that I’m just an old envious 48 year old). What I did get was a lot of emails and FB comments that just tickled me pink. SERIOUSLY, thank you for taking the time to read it and respond to it. Now as I previously mentioned my husband has been for sometime encouraging me to start writing. He has been anxiously awaiting the debut of my Blog site which was of course yesterday. I could not wait for his arrival home from work so I could reveal my new creation. I’m sure all of you who know Fred will agree that the man just simply does not get overly excited. In fact his resting heartbeat is about 50 and his blood pressure maintains 120/70 on a bad day. I’ll never understand how we hooked up cause you have never met two people more opposite in your life. I stood proudly grinning from ear to ear and asked “Well are you ready to see the Blog.? He replies, “Sure but what’s for dinner? In disgust I replied, "well ain’t that I fine Howdy Doody". As of 1:00 oclock this afternoon I became reknown writer from coast to coast and all you can think of is what your going to have for dinner. Trouble is, I didn’t cook dinner, I didn’t clean the house nor did I even go to the grocery store. In fact, I was under the impression that I had joined the work force as a freelance writer and we all know writers don’t do common household chores. He finally wised up and headed to the computer and believe me I was not far behind. I patiently waited at the door for his reaction which was a real weak “That’s nice”. That’s nice! That’s all I get is a "that’s nice". Now here’s the kicker! He looks straight at me, chuckles and follows it up with a Well if you’ll scoot over and make some room, I’ll do a cartwheel. "Well when you get through with your cart wheel I’m sure you will enjoy a good ole Bologna sandwhich". I’m guessing his blood sugar was kinda low cause he sure got interested after his feeding. I guess I better get to the kitchen and cook.

ON A MORE SERIOUS NOTE: Good Luck to all the parents who will be headed to Baton Rouge tomorrow to get their soon to be college kids settled in. And if that’s not hard enough some of you parents will be going though additional agony with Greek Week. There is no way around it. It is a stressful and long week for all parties involved. Regardless of the results they all end up where their meant to be. And in the end what could be better than becoming an official TIGER!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I'm all about a Hooter's Chicken Wing and a cold beer but I just don't understand the concept. In route home Saturday from LSU (doing the daughter's apt. Shuffle). Hot, drenched, tired and irritable, I spot a new Hooter's right out of Baton Rouge on I-12 and I think to myself. Have you ever seen a middle aged woman with NOT SO PERKY HOOTERS, wearing clear leotards, hot pants and a wife beater t-shirt serving Chicken Wings? I DON'T THINK SO!
As I’m dazing out the window and having this ever so shallow thought. I say to my husband we should have stopped and had an ice cold beer and some Hooters. He spits his diet coke clear cross the steering wheel and and says "honey I'm supposed to say that". Well he knew what I meant to say. And that's exactly why the words Hooter and chicken wings should never be commingled for a profit. Seems the jokes on us and here is why.

The Hooters system is currently comprised of over 450 locations in 43 states and 26 countries. I mean some man (I'm assuming it’s a man, cause well I won’t go there) woke up one morning and said
I'm going to whip up a batch of hot chicken wings and get a group of very endowed woman to tote them around on a tray. Shortly thereafter he's a millonaire. Now the truth is we love their chicken wings so much we really wouldn't care if they were served by a
34 Double D or a 34 Long.
Please someone tell me why there are no food establishments where men serve food in jock straps or weenie bikinies? Seriously!


“Just stay Neutral” Seriously? What does that mean? Should you not have an opinion? I have a lifetime friend who since I can remember has always used the term “I’m Switzerland” when participating in ever so delicate subjects. Trust me there were exceptions to this rule and for the most part I thought it was a little too safe and often very boring. Believe me when I tell you, I have very little knowledge in the subject of history including Switzerland’s standards of practice nor do I care. What I do know is a little bit about everything or should I say “I have a lot to say about nothing” which makes for a very dangerous Blog site. (Did I mention that I am happily married with three grown kids (or at least they think they are) who are away at college and work. So what that equates to is a very bored Empty Nester trying to make sense of my purpose on this earth. That’s where you and the new Blog site enters in to the equation. Here is the good news. You certainly do don’t have to read my Blogs but if you so choose, you certainly do not have to agree with them either. (remember the aforementioned Switzerland approach).
Hope you enjoy!